I’m horrifically bored with Olympus. There’s the usual bickering, the controversial rendezvous between gods and mortals and gods and gods and … you get the picture. Hephaestus has been my only source of joy. As my half brother, I find his arrogance and relentless mockery good for a chuckle. And as none of my other plans seem to be making waves, the least I could do was team up with him for a bit of a shakedown. Is it too much to ask for some trouble on this damn mountain? To get these gods a little inebriated and encourage their bad behavior? To be noticed after you kill someone?
It all started with Hera’s stupid, overgrown turkeys.
After Dionysus received a large shipment and Heph was tending to the maintenance, the peacocks decided they were awfully hungry. Eating their way around the field, Dionysus called to explain that my daily wine order for the shop was on hold due to the birds over-consumption. It’s hard enough to get along with this group with the wine. I am certain I cannot do it at all sober.
After voicing my concerns to Heph, one of the peacocks decided that it was time to defecate … on my foot. This was the last straw. Twisting its neck like a wash rag, I left it’s carcass to rot in the parking lot. Some might say this wasn’t a wise move. After all, Hera loves those giant parakeets. I never feared her wrath. Hera isn’t exactly complicated. The poor girl wants love from a husband that can’t seem to keep it in his pants. I knew all I had to do was deal with dad for a while … and there’s only one thing he cares about in the entire world.
That POS golden chariot he calls her Wendy.
After a full work day and preparing for a slap on the wrist from Hera, I returned to the mountain and found out that Hades had thrown me under the bus to her. You’d think my dark deeds would have peaked his interest, but of course I was overlooked … again. He still doesn’t understand that all these randoms bodies he keeps finding are being taken down by me. I mean, I cut up a nice looking couple on my lunch break just for fun. But all that is for another diary entry, so as I said I returned to take my lashing from Hera as the young troublemaker. In order to rectify this issue, I hopped into Wendy and drove out into the empty fields near Styx. Barren and desolate, I pulled the chariot onto the dry, cracking earth. The air grew still after the dust settled. Jumping out, I realize my own petty behavior. My smile seemed to grow as I tore a piece of fabric from the edge of my shirt and stuffed it into the gas tank. Grabbing a lighter from my back pocket, I lit the goods and walked away.
I knew it would be a long walk home, but worth it. At least I’m bringing a bit of fun to this boring hill!
As I broke the news to Zeus, Hera seemed pleased and the peacock incident was forgotten. I have brought a soft smile to Heph’s ever irritated face. And perhaps if I’m lucky enough to be seen as more than a nuisance, Hades will want to roast marshmallows over the melted metal later on. I suppose I should be glad he at least remembered my name long enough to tattle. Until he really sees me, it looks as though I will have to find a few more expendable mortals to satiate my needs.
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