You cannot feel anything in the void. Well, I didn’t, anyways. I’ve never asked the others.
Let me tell you a little something about Chaos – a parent; mother and father; no guardian but a birth giver. Chaos has no form, no corporeal body, and I am not entirely sure if there are any emotions or thoughts attached to them. What is it like to be the beginning of the start, I wonder. A catalyst for all life, the good and the bad. I will never ask, and I will never know.
When I emerged from Chaos, I was naked and young and full of power. I wanted to flex my wings, take to the skies, and Chaos let me. The Night was first drawn over the world in a flair of triumph – victory before our dear Nike was ever thought of. I was proud to be the first to alight upon the place Chaos was building, proud to be their eldest. My siblings came after, of course, and began the world truly, but it had my hands that had grazed the essence of all, and it was delicious.
And then I started to grow cold.
I do not know if it was when the Titans first started to push the envelope with us and the Olympians, or if I was spending too much time in Tartarus. Besides being the goddess of night, I also have the ability to give you a dreamless sleep, or an eternal one – eternal meaning you’ll be sitting in Lord Hades’ waiting room. So, for a while, I spent time on Earth, spying on anyone who peaked my interest – my interests varied between pity, compassion, hate, and vengeance. The Titanomachy changed me, reminded me that not everyone wanted to work together. Not everyone wanted us to thrive and expand together, and it was painfully obvious who you could and could not trust in those days.
Well, I put aside trust and worried about only myself for a small amount of time. It was liberating to not have the supposed responsibility of not looking after anyone – we were Primordials, who would dare touch us? And on one of those days, Chaos caught up to me.
I had been stalking a young couple in Amsterdam that day. A young man’s boyfriend was pushing him to try something he did not wish to – I think it must have been one of those synthetic drugs you mortals created, but I was unsure. They argued and one of them flashed a syringe full of liquid, scaring the other. I decided it was enough, and he wasn’t taking no for an answer, so I slid in behind his partner and took his heart for myself.
I didn’t realize the screaming wasn’t coming from my victim until I looked at the young man I had been trying to protect, and then back at the mortal whose blood ran in my hand. The look of disbelief and shock unsettled me, so I vanished, praying no one else had seen me there, interfering. I felt a rush of guilt and exhilaration at what I had done, and it felt foreign to me. I made little effort to entertain mortals, since they did so with myself. No one built temples or had cults for me, choosing to add me as a side thought to more “prestigious” immortals like Athena and Zeus. Fine. Two could play that game. So why did I feel guilty?
Well, Chaos found me. There were no words, no sudden summoning of a body and a long, stern conversation about my animalistic behaviour. No, Chaos came to me as the void they were, and took my sight.
I remember feeling blood running down my cheeks, and nothing but emptiness where my eyes had been moments before. And the pain…I cannot describe the amount of pain I felt – as if hot magma had been emptied into my face and head. Coupled with horror and panic, I had no idea what to do, where to go. I was confused and angry – Chaos was supposed to be my guardian, and they had betrayed me. I fled from them, letting my wings take me to safety, wherever that might be, until I landed in a large cavern near Mount Olympus. I took shelter there for three days, unable to cry and feeling worse than I had ever felt in my life thus far. I was shaken to my core, and I couldn’t stop the bleeding – I was slick with my own life force, though I cannot die.
On the fourth day, I was exhausted and even anger and pain couldn’t get me to move. It was on that day that I realized something: Chaos didn’t have the privilege of doing what they wished to me without repercussions, and I decided to take my own fate into my hands.
I waited until the night air cooled my cave, and I stood outside, waiting until the atmosphere felt right. As the stars began to mount the skies, I took several of them down and carefully molded them into orbs. I polished and buffed them until they were the perfect size to fit my face, and I pressed them into the sockets of my face. They fit perfectly, and the sudden relief I felt when my vision came back, albeit blurry and unfocused at first, was overwhelming, and I admit I cried from it. But I had done it.
My fury at Chaos returned swiftly, but it gave me pause now. What was it worth to seek revenge against the void? Was there a point? What would I gain from trying to attack a void?
I spent nearly a week in that cavern, debating the pros and cons of going after my birth giver, and in the end, I decided it was not my job to show their mistakes to them. I knew what I had done to get to that point, and I wasn’t sorry. The mortal had it coming, and I would not take that back. If Chaos had decided they were against my decisions, there were many options to communicate that, but nothing was said, and instead I was punished. It made me angry and embarrassed, though thankfully none of my siblings knew about it. I wasn’t going to change that.
So now you will know what it is that you see when you look me in the eyes: the night skies, perhaps a meteor or two. And you will see my pain, my revenge, my strength, and my own rebellion against someone I had thought to have loved me.
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