Hello, my sweet little mortals, and how are we all doing on this fine, spring morn? Okay, not so fine. Seems Baby Brother has a chip on his shoulder again, thanks to those two hot-headed sons of his. I swear, Phaestus and Ares have been knocking the Cerberus snot out of each other over that mattress-backed hussy, Aphrodite, for eons. You’d think they’d both smarten up and move on to greener pastures, but she is the goddess of love. All she’s got to do is blink those baby blues of hers and BAM!, those boys turn to molten lava.
Speaking of children, it seems this Earth Mommy is in a bit of a pickle. Hermes stopped by last night, just long enough to throw a letter at me from my other babies.
What? You didn’t know I had other children? So, it seems my oldest was right after all. I hate it when he’s right. He gets all smug and self-righteous. So unbecoming of a god. Anyway, allow me to introduce you to all my babies.
I actually have a total of 7 children. You all know my sweet baby, Persephone. She’s my precious little one. Her siblings are a bit jealous of her, but they just don’t understand. Poor little thing is so sweet and innocent, even after all the atrocities done to her by my pyro-prancing son-in-law. You know, that boy still glares at me out the corner of his eye with that evil smirk on his face. Makes me want to bake him a pie just so I can slap the taste outta his mouth.
Anyway, I have 6 other children. My 2 oldest were with my first true love, Iasion. Baby Brother didn’t like the idea of one of his sisters being married to a mortal. I’m not really sure about the whole ordeal, but in the end, Zeus shot my poor love in the face with a lightning bolt. Thanks a lot, Thunder Thighs. However, my eldest is Plutus, the god of wealth. He and I don’t exactly see eye to eye all the time, as he’s become his brother-in-law’s golden boy. After Plutus, came Philomelus, the god of ploughing. He’s such a good boy and very smart. You know, he invented the plough all by himself. I couldn’t be more proud.
After Iasion’s little “accident”, I took up with one of my semi-divine field boys, Carmanor. He was a lot of fun, but always smelled like oxen dung. Anyway, we had 2 children together. We had a beautiful daughter, Chrysothemis. Most beautiful voice you ever did hear. Why, she was the very first winner of Apollo’s Pythian games. She sang her little heart out and, from what I hear, stole his, too. Then there’s my little pig-boy, Eubuleus. Oh, now I know it’s not right for a mama talk that way about her babies, but I’ve heard told that he helped Hades kidnap my poor, sweet Persephone. And he wonders why I sent him out to tend to the swine. Things didn’t work out between Carmanor and myself. I love a hard-working man, but the smell…made Sulfur Springs smell like a perfume parlor.
I then ended up marrying Zeus. What can I say? I was young and the wine flowed free. But I learned quickly what a womanizing worm he really was. I tried to warn Hera, but she said she could fix him. We see how well that worked. I did get my precious little Persephone out of the deal. She was so tiny and delicate. She was the reason I walked away from Zeus and never looked back.
That’s when I decided I didn’t need a man. But my brother, Poseidon, had other plans. He decided that Earth and Water should be united and was going to take me whether I liked it or not. Well, I wasn’t having any of that Satyr spunk. I disguised myself as a beautiful horse, thinking Water Boy wouldn’t find me. But he did and that fish phallic turned himself into a stallion. Chased me half way across the Greek mainland. When he was done horsing around, we had 2 babies; Despoina and Arion.
My beautiful daughter, Despoina, is a bit of a mystery—literally. You never know what she’s doing or where she’s going. I’m not even sure where she’s at right now. Then there’s Arion. ~sighs heavily~ Arion is, well…he’s a horse. When you become great with child and you happen to be in the form of a horse, you give birth to a horse. That boy could kick. But, he is the swiftest horse in the world and being the child of two gods, he is immortal. Which is why Ares was always trying to use him as a war horse.
So there you go, Plutus. I told the world about all you kids. No, I may not be your idea of mother of the year, but I do love you all. Now run back to Hades and tell him I said “Bite Me”.
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