Hades Cold Calls

Stopped at my favorite outdoor cafe yesterday. The bean juices are worthy of the divine AND, of course, I am quite divine. I got a text alert of a new inbound. A god’s work is never done. I decided to have a little fun with this one…

♫♫ … They were all in love with dying.
They were drinking from a fountain.
That was pouring like an avalanche.
Coming down the mountain…

Hello, am I speaking to Michael?
Michael J. Tarabotti?

My name is Hades. I understand this may be a bad time for you right now with you falling from that mountain and all, but I was curious have you decided where you plan to go when you die? Now, I know, in this day and age, you have many options to choose from, but let me clear up a misconception for you, before you decide.

You may have heard the phrase Hot as Hades. Now, we down in the Underworld cannot understand where this blatant and slanderous lie originated. It may have been those rambunctious raiders from the north. But, let’s be honest their homes are buried in ice year round. To them, everything not frozen is hot. It could have been those blasted Visigoths—ungrateful savages—offered them citizenship, but nothing was ever good enough for them. Most likely though, it was the marketing department for those new gods that opened up shop down the block. Every weekend, they talk about fire and brimstone. Let me tell you, they are very aggressive and persuasive with their sales pitch, but it is all just fake news.

Let me tell you why…

First, the Underworld operates the world’s largest internal cooling system ever known. All that fire and brimstone. We export that. Yup, that stuff gets pumped right to the surface through our complex network of magma transfer fissures. That’s right, we pioneered geothermal energy technology. And, with all of that delicious green energy, we are able to run our industrial strength air cooling units 24/7/365.

Secondly, there is no chance of direct heating from harmful ultraviolet rays. Leave your SPF-100 at home. Our resort employs a state-of-the-art, multi-layer insulation system. With over 3000 miles of insulation, we can guarantee our climate will never be negatively affected by the sun.

Finally, we control all of our own renewable energy resources to ensure a better and cleaner way of meeting our energy needs. You know all of that sticky, smelly dinosaur ooze that you humans are so fond of? We don’t need it. Not a drop. We let you pump that right to the surface, as much as you want. Since we have no carbon emissions, we also don’t have things like smog and the greenhouse effect.

This multi-prong environmental strategy ensures our cleanliness, our cool climate, and perpetual energy efficiency. We do hope you will consider the Underworld’s Sulfur Springs Resort & Spa for your afterlife needs. Now that I have allayed your concerns, if you please hold, I will transfer you to our reservations department.

click – click


Your call is very important to us, please stay on the line…

~~~ * ~~~

I love when they think they have a choice. They don’t.
*** sips coffee ☕ ***

~~~ * ~~~

(1) Musical excerpt from the song Pepper by The Butthole Surfers © 1996.

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Lord Hades (C.E. Robb)
C.E. Robb is the pen name for an established technical writer, editor and curriculum designer. At night, they craft table-top role-playing game supplements, world-build a SciFi Solar Punk setting, write a novel about Hereditary Witches, and blog the exploits of the Greek God, Hades, for #ThePantheon. Somewhere between all of that, they find time to rough house with their Jack Russell and enjoy the outdoors. #WritingCommunity and #DNDCommunity Supporter
Lord Hades (C.E. Robb)

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